Check It Out: Family is important

By Joan Janzen

A woman smiled and said to her husband, “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” Meanwhile, a dad observed, “It’s all silent treatment from the kids until someone needs Wi-Fi passwords.”

Television host Dr. Phil McGraw recently brought up the topic of silent treatment. First of all, he noted there’s something in society that no one really talks about, but it’s happening everywhere.

Families from both present and past generations have experienced situations when members have set “no contact” boundaries.

One of Dr. Phil’s guests was a therapist who said, “I have an aunt that I never met because she was estranged in our family, and my mother didn’t speak to my grandmother. This isn’t just millennials; it’s just we’re the ones on social media talking about it.” The therapist admitted she hasn’t spoken to her own mother in seven years.

Social media is allowing access to these conversations, and Dr. Phil observed that people online are often cheering others on about toxic families and no contact. The corresponding comments made by people listening to the show are always interesting.

One woman posted, “I understand there are cases that are toxic, and disconnection is absolutely called for. But people these days really do take family for granted. Family is far from perfect but they’re still important. It’s sad to me our society is forgetting that.”

Dr. Phil asked both family members who had “no contact” one question: “If you were going to ask for forgiveness for something you did, what would it be?” In multiple family scenarios, all parties Dr. Phil interviewed could not think of anything to be forgiven for, but instead directed the blame at each other.

A comment posted said: “Sometimes it’s narcissistic parents. Sometimes, it’s narcissistic kids. Always, it’s our narcissistic culture.”

Twenty-year-old Chloe Cole is a dynamic speaker who shares her own story and discusses mental health issues. At a public lecture on a college campus the young woman made a personal observation.

“I think there is a big generational gap between us and our older generation and the culture we grew up in. The culture that our mothers and fathers, and grandfathers grew up in is completely gone. There’s always a focus on I and me and individuality, but never in finding our identity and purpose in what we do for the people around us and others. In order to recover, we have to become ‘we-oriented.’ We have to start looking out for the people around us rather than constantly looking at ourselves and trying to find us. Because that does nothing if all you care about is yourself,” Chloe said.

Dr. Phil said one of the things that is really important in relationships is for people to have insight into how they may have contaminated the relationship. “Otherwise, it’s really hard to begin a healing process,” he advised.

Once again, comments posted by everyday citizens are interesting. One person posted: “So many therapists want to insist that you must confront your parents about the ways that they failed. I’m glad I knew, despite my therapists’ insistence, that such a thing would have been an unbelievably bad idea.”

Another comment stated, “I am a counselor and you would not believe the amount of adult children that are walking away from their parents for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It’s mind-boggling to me. I really don’t understand what’s going on. The only thing that I can come up with is that this is from social media influencers that are convincing people that everybody is a narcissist and cut all of those people out of their lives.”

Chloe Cole speaks on behalf of her generation and the challenges they face. “We’re the first generation growing up with social media. A lot of older adults don’t understand what that’s like … especially growing up with what we’re being exposed to. We’re constantly looking for the next path,” she said. “I’m not saying it’s all because of technology. But we have to remember to live our life.”

More corresponding comments addressed these issues. “Social media is not the place to get healing,” one person noted.

Another person wrote, “My mother is deceased, but looking back, therapy hurt me and killed our relationship.”

Scrolling through the posts, I found another observation: “Thankfully, there’s nothing my mom could do for me to turn my back on her and vice versa. She’s not perfect, but I have unconditional love for my mother.”

Comments like this one were abundant. “I fought with my mom all through my life. I didn’t like my family; they’re not perfect or even close. As I have aged, I’ve given them all grace because I was obnoxious when I was younger, so no one’s perfect. I have gotten closer to all my family and hoping it continues. Family is important.”

Family is important, including relationships beyond that of mother-daughter or mother-son. On a personal note, I had a bumpy relationship with my own mother, who has now passed. But I valued her more than any mistakes she made, and publicly sharing those mistakes was something I never considered.

Mother Theresa once said, “What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”